Thing 2: Kris Humphries: American Hero

Due to the NCAA Championship tonight, I figured it would be fitting to have a post basketball related. This post is about someone who is bigger and better than most of us will ever claim to be.

He goes by the name of Kris Humphries: American Hero

Screw You Zimmerman

This man has stood up, where most of us have sat down…in front of the TV.

This man is the first to tell Kim Kardashian that she is full of shit. Can we get this man a medal? There has to be a prize worthy enough to fully acknowledge this man for the progress that he is trying to make. I would say Nobel Peace Prize, but Kris Humphries isn’t a pussy; that and he is clearly not intelligent enough to get one of those awards.

Recently Mr. Kris Sir His Omnipotent Lordship Humphries told Kim Kardashian that he isn’t going to sign any papers before she admits that the wedding between them was a complete scam. He also wants to know how much she made while they were married. You never know, it could have a been a good month or two financially. I heard that she had some show on TV or something.

Why does it take Kris Humphries to get America to realize that Kim Kardashian is a hack. Here are a list of talents that Kim Kardashian has:

  1. Fat Ass
  2. Big Boobs
  3. Sex Tape
  4. Tits
  5. Sex Tape
  6. Fat Ass
  7. Tits
  8. Business owner?

Did I miss anything?

Before you all go off and think, number 8 seems fishy, let me explain. I put business owner in the loosest interpretation possible. For someone who is always on vacation, shooting an ad, and capitalizing on other assets (see numbers 1-7) that leaves very little time to run a very successful, multi-product line company. Let’s be real and tell Mary Kay to stop slapping DASH labels on top of their products and charging 5x as much.

Why do we watch this person again? Are we really that bored? Is this who we all want to be like?

We need to get our standards back up in this country. There needs to be a revolution, and it needs to be started by The Last True American Hero Kris Humphries and his sidekick, Jon”Kardashians Are Stupid” Hamm. Lets finally show the world why Kim Kardashian needs to be released from her television contract and the lives of young women across the country. Let us finish what Kris Humphries started as a young child growing up in Minneapolis. By using his pro athlete status, he let us into the fake world that Kim Kardashian has crafted in front of us. He saw past those massive breasts and fat ass (But he made sure to get his beforehand, he is a man of opportunity. Blame him?)  Let us rid ourselves of mindless, talentless bullshit like Kim Kardashian.

What do you think about that young Kris Humphries?

"Ho shoulda known"

Let us all remember his sacrifice. From humble origins, he became the one we know today. Kris Humphries: American Hero


Thing 1: Smoking Fools

It’s April Fool’s Day. Is there a more perfect time to start writing, blogging, and overall internet-ing about how foolish we can be? Today is also another milestone in the world of nonsense. Make sure to mark your calendars and make sure you know where you were when Evansville took away the rights of the small business.

For any of you living in Evansville, IN, you are probably aware that the most recent declaration by the city council was to ban smoking in every building in the city. Ok, so you are trying to make this a healthier place to live. Trying to go with the forever widening belief that smoking should be banned from public consumption. You are aware enough to realize that secondhand smoke not only compromises the patrons on local establishments, but the employees as well.


You are in favor of healthier workplaces; those who don’t smoke don’t need to be involuntarily subjected to the harsh reality that secondhand smoke kills.


You support the fact the everyone should have the same opportunity to live a healthy lifestyle, no matter what establishments they attend.


You stand for so much when it comes to making this place healthier and keeping our citizens around longer and longer. We should all go celebrate at the Casino! Nothing says fun like gambling and drinking, plus, now that this smoking ban is in effect, we can all breath a little bit easier!

Son of a...

Casino Aztar is exempt from the smoking ban?!

Remember all that stuff I said loving patrons health, keeping employees safe, and helping the community live longer? Well I lied.

Let me revise the views of the government here in the great city of Evansville, IN:


Everyone who thinks this smoking ban is a good thing, lets put it into perspective. The people that passed it, clearly, don’t give two shits about employee’s health, or yours for that matter. Your health is second only to money.

We’ve been duped!!!

Can we see now why small businesses are all fighting this ridiculous law? It only makes sense for them to fight and I truly hope that they win this battle and gain exemption.

The other thing that really upsets me about this ban are the people that are advocating for it. We have all heard the facts on cigarette smoke. It kills. We get that. Do you really think that people who smoke don’t know that? Would the world be a better place if no one smoked and everything was super healthy? Yes. Would anyone deny that? No.

Here are the main stances that I hear people take:

“I want out with my friends, but I don’t want to smell like smoke after leaving the bars”

Okay. I get that. It smells. But at the same time, there are so many places that don’t allow smoke so why must you go to the ones that do? If your friends can’t respect that enough to change venues then they probably weren’t that good of friends to begin with. Here is another thing that you can do: shut up and go find something else to do. I know it sounds harsh. But if your friends want to go to an all fried chicken buffet and you are a vegetarian you wouldn’t go. It is not a place that is suited for you. Since you aren’t a fan of smoking, DON’T GO TO THAT PLACE! It is clearly not for you. Go find something else to do, or better yet, go to a bar that bans smoking. There are plenty around.

 “But, what about the kids?! Their health and ours is being hurt without our consent! We didn’t ask to inhale smoke all night!”

Sure, i get this one. Smoking is invasive. People who are in the area are going to get a heavy dose of secondhand smoke. This is what happens in a smoky area. My rule: If there are kids who can come to your establishment, then the smoking ban is legitimate since they can do nothing about it. You got me. When it comes to the adults, shame on you for being stupid. To get into a bar you have to be at least 21 years of age or older. By this time, you have had 3 years of experience in being an adult and should know how to make basic adult decisions. Your smoke-inhaling waiver was signed when you flashed your ID and walked in those doors. You know the dangers involved in going into a smoky bar, so by entering, you have acknowledged that smoke is here and it will be there all night. So don’t complain about it. Let’s look at it this way, I have an allergy to animals. They make me sneeze and get itchy eyes and an itchy throat. When I go to someone’s house that has an animal, do you expect me to bitch and complain that there is an animal there? NO! Because I knew that was there to begin with, and if I didn’t, the adult in me would remove myself from the situation or suffer through it. It is, in essence, the same thing.

But I digress, if you have stuck it out this long, I commend you. This was was a little long winded, but I hope you all got the crux of the argument and see how ridiculous this whole situation is. When did we decide that we need to be babied? As adults, it is our obligation to make our own decisions. If a place allows smoking and you don’t want to be around it, don’t go there. If a business wants to allow their patrons to smoke, which is a completely legal thing to do, then let them do it. If it really something that will be detrimental to their business, that business will have to suffer or change. But let that be their decision. We have this society that expects everything to be suited to their every need and desire. We have been babied so much that we don’t understand that ability to just walk away from things we don’t like or approve of. When did this become something that was ok?

My final point:

Be adults people. If you know that a place allows something you don’t like, don’t go there and complain. Just stay away and let the people who do like it there enjoy their time. There are other options for fun in this town. Seek them out, don’t complain that everything isn’t suited just for you. You are an adult, you should know better by now.

Come one, Come all (and other cliche openers)

So here we are.

It is time.

The circus has begun.

(enter inspirational opening lines here)

Every single day there seems to be something that bothers me. Whether we are celebrating the life of a crackhead that wasted a 1 in a million gift or listing to Republicans try and convince me that birth control and late term abortion are, in essence, the same exact thing.

Too often we are forced to take in and (hopefully) digest the crap that we hear from people who are mostly idiots. Our obsession with social media and the ability for, not only America’s, but the worlds dumbest people to have say in anything makes me upset. So hopefully this blog can serve as a way for people to see the logical side of the argument. It will be the one place that people can go and find some semblance of sanity in a world overpopulated with the insane.

This is where people will come to find out exactly, what are the 365 Things I Hate About You?