Thing 6: So You Hate Facebook’s Timeline?

Whether you like it or not, Facebook’s Timeline in here to stay. Everyday there seems to be someone talking about the validity of the Timeline itself. I remember the first day that news about the timeline was released. You would have thought that someone had changed the way the world spins. I have not seen such outrage since Arrested Development was cancelled. It was everywhere!

Scars still haven't healed

Most people in this world have a problem with change. The fact that the Facebook Timeline sparked such outrage is a sign that maybe people need to spend a little more time away from the computer (Sidenote: Unless you are reading this blog and sharing, then go ahead and click, click, click!!). Are we really that worried about something different. Think about it this way, if Facebook never decided to change the way it operates, there would be far less content and the overall effect would not be as potent. It would be what MySpace is today; Owned by Justin Timberlake and be called “:-)Book” or something stupid like that.

To this day there are still people who have started to revolt in the name of the old profile page. Take for instance this page. According to them, the Timeline is the biggest fail that Facebook has ever had. Also, it has the almighty customer telling the corporate social media giant that they need to change or else.

Uh oh. Facebook better get its act together or this group of 9,771 Facebook users…


9,771? That is really all that you could pull together? Facebook has something like 800 million users, but you feel as if the 9,771 in your group are truly a barometer of how people feel? I believe the only FAIL that I see here is the lack of support for the “biggest mistake” Facebook has ever made. People are clearly upset.

Well maybe I need to check for a larger group to see if the first one I found was just an offshoot that didn’t gain much backing. Lets look at the support page for the aptly named Timeline Sucks (Modern Hemingway’s we have here). They are sitting at almost 35,000 strong and have the full support of Kanye West!

(Enter Interruption Jok-"Ima let you finish, but the old profile was the greatest of all time"

I will give these people more props though because they have spread the word in the form of organized protest. One status updates claims that Queen will be played at the death of the timeline.

They also have a sense of humor though, which is commendable. Check this joke out:

“Timeline is the best thing EVER!!!!…………….please, not even on April Fools Day -__-“

Well played

“That should show those fools that think that Timeline is such a good idea. It will never get support! We have finally succeeded in our quest to stop the hideous Timeline from being installed in all profiles! Lets go tell our friends! We can post links on their new Ti…GOD DAMN IT!”

The most depressing part of this whole scenario is that we are hearing the voice of the few while tuning out the voice of the many. This is one of the biggest problems that they internet faces. There is negativity everywhere. Now, I can already hear a few voices saying that my blog is titled, “365 Things I Hate About You.” The name breeds hate.

That is because you are stupid. I say that in the nicest way possible. This blog is all about making people aware of the problems they are causing. My views may not be perfect but they are not tied down to any specific group of beliefs. That means that my mind is free to come up with logical and non-discriminatory ideas. I see that certain things, like change are inevitable.

The fact that people are so up in arms about something as ridiculous as the way that your Facebook profile is set up means that the world is on a downward spiral of sorts. The ridiculous nature of these complaints goes as far to say that online privacy has been compromised since the timeline keeps all of your information in chronological order. Due to this, it is easier to become a stalker and steal people’s information or stalk them in a dangerous way.

To all of these people, I would like to introduce you to the internet. Apparently you both have not met before. This will be good for both of you.

You really think that privacy has been tainted by Facebook’s new timeline style profile? Forget about your credit card number being online or having all your banking and location information stored in your new smart phone. All internet privileges revoked.

This is the problem with people these days. They have no basis for most of their arguments. Don’t get me wrong, we all have opinions. Hell, I express mine via blog posts in a moderately trafficked WordPress site that most my friends won’t even read.  That is the problem and the beauty of the internet. People can voice their opinions. The only problem lies when stupid people voice stupid opinions that are backed by nothing and based strictly in sensationalism.

Much Like Rick Santorum's Presidential Campaign

Here is my stance. The Facebook timeline is something that is here to stay. It tells the story of our lives in a way that no other site does. It collects our thoughts and our memories in a digital dropbox of sorts. It organizes these things for us to use in the future in a way that may not make life easier for all, but extremely functional for the majority.

So next time you start to hate against the new Facebook timeline you should go ahead and stop.

Collect your thoughts.

Figure out why you are upset.

Count to 10 just like your mother taught you to do when you were 7.

Then think to yourself, is this really worth my time or could I be enjoying the change and embracing the new things that come my way?

If you are still enraged by this then there is no help for you. You are just destined to be stupid forever. After that, go check your MySpace. Still suck? Write a post about it, but not on MySpace. No one reads that.

Hell, might as well go post it on your fancy new timeline. I hear it’s pretty cool.


Thing 5: You Are Always Wrong At The BMV (And That’s How They Like It)

Why is it that every time you walk into the BMV (Bureau of Motor Vehicles) you instantly feel as if you are doing something wrong? The BMV is a place that people go to get help and where young adults gain the keys to their first taste of freedom. We should be excited every time that we enter the BMV, if not just due to the fact that they allowed me my freedom of driving when I was just a young 15 year old. They sparked the most formative of teenage years for almost every person in the United States, yet we all feel such disdain for that place. What went wrong?

Well let’s examine this piece by piece to figure out the problem. I think that the first place to start is the first thing that you notice when you walk in…

The Look

In recent years, the BMV has made major changes in it’s aesthetic quality. I remember when I got my license, also I remember the tetanus shot that I like I needed right after leaving the BMV. The walls were grey and the floor was that old tile that you find in most public school cafeterias and gym floors.

The shine comes from human tears

Luckily, the government spent a little of our weekly paycheck in order to make the look of the BMV something that people can be proud of. I will admit, when you walk into the BMV at first, there is always some hope that maybe this time, just maybe, it will be different. I mean, this place looks clean and inviting now so the people that work there have to be relieved that they finally got to leave the prison cell they worked in and finally work in a place that looks appealing.

Well, it isn’t the look that is the issue at the BMV. So lets move on to the next step.

The Process

When it comes to knowing what to do in the BMV, I think everyone is on the same level playing field. You walk in, grab a number, and wait until the lady behind the counter calls for it. Overall, this is one of the most seamless parts of the whole process.

Very simple. Very efficient.

The only thing that you can really nitpick about this is that the seats are uncomfortable. It isn’t really anything to complain about because you really don’t have to sit for too long. In the even that you did though, the plastic chairs could really make you uncomfortable (especially when you have to sit on your wallet). That is a nitpick though and really does not derail the whole process of going to the BMV. It is only a minor problem in a very specific and uncommon situation, so i don’t count it against the overall score of the BMV visit.

Once you have been sitting there, the woman calls your name, sometimes in the most inaudible voice possible, then continues to get louder until she is visibly upset with whoever is going to sit across from her.

You have been pre-judged

Things seem to be taking a turn from here. Which leads to…

The People (or just the one you get to deal with)

So far, we have made it into the BMV and even waited patiently for our turn at the desk without issue. We are almost done and we feel like this might be a new BMV. This might be what we have been searching for!

Alas, here is where it hits rock bottom. You get the counter and the lady always has a look like she wants to get put down due to the fact that she hates her job that much. At this point, you need some sort of help and these people seem to think that they are in the business of being vague and uninformative. Everything you need that isn’t immediately presented with a smile is greeted with a look that makes the cold shoulder rethink how much of a dick it’s been all these years. Every answer that you give that isn’t exactly right is met with a heavy sigh and a head down, eye’s over the glasses stare.

How dare you not know what government paperwork you should have in order to take care of something that you have never done or have any information about? Are you dense? If the world’s smartest man came into the BMV, he would leave that place feeling as demoralized as Lindsay Lohan’s alcohol sponsor.

This is it. We have found the reason that the BMV is the most demoralizing place in the world. It’s the soylent green.

Not only are you clueless and looking for help when you go in, but you have to put up with someone who has something better to do than help you solve your problem. The best part about it is they always have  a little flower sticker or smiley face on their name tag that only gives you false hope.

I do understand a little and give the benefit of the doubt to these people sometimes because they have to deal with a lot of stupid people every day. My only problem with that is that they take it out on everyone. Yeah, I have had bad days, but I got over it. This is a chip on the shoulder of every BMV worker. They think everyone is stupid, but they confuse stupidity with ignorance. They are not the same thing.

People come here for help. They don’t want to be here so pissing them off is only going to make your job worse.

So all the BMV workers out there need to hear that we get it. We understand your job has to suck. I would hate to put up with idiots all day, but your job is to help the ignorant. Government paperwork can be confusing and a bit overwhelming for a lot of people. So stop being pricks and try to help. You are not making it any better for yourselves by making us miserable. You be nice or helpful  during a tough situation and you might be surprised how much better your job can get.

If you show your customer some respect most of us will usually return the favor.

Thing 4: Instagram: Replacing art majors since 2010

I think I am not alone when I say that Instagram has single handedly ruined the word “Sepia” for my generation.

Once held in high regard among the artistic community, “Sepia” has now become the new Helvetica. Everyone uses it to be different, yet the irony eludes them as soon as they publish their next “original” work. It is an epidemic that is not only sweeping the nation, but it is also killing pockets of humanity in it’s wake. We must stop this nonsense before it reaches the shores of sanity.

I am a fan of vintage.

I own a record player.

I like Cole Porter, Frank Sinatra, Miles Davis, and Sam Cooke.

I don’t use Instagram.

We are in a world now where High Definition is everywhere. Everyone’s camera phone is capable of high definition video and pictures.

Told You So

We are in a world that has the latest technology that will capture life’s best moments in the blink of an eye. Cameras that sell for $80 are better than cameras from 3 years ago that sold for 5 times as much. So why do we continue to put up with things like Instagram. Shouldn’t we be taking pictures that catch life in the exact moment that we saw them? Isn’t that the point of a picture?

Nowadays I see so many people using this new mobile application to forever alter the photo that they are taking. What once was modern and beautiful, has now been raped and tortured by a data filter.

Why do we put up with this?

I have to admit, in moderation, the Instagram content could be interesting and artsy. The only problem is that people are abusive of new things. We have used Instagram to make pictures of the ordinary look extraordinary. And by extradordinary, I clearly mean that we are making our pictures an abortion of their former selves. I can picture tons of people looking at their regular photos and being unsatisfied, simply looking for that one thing that will make them the next Henri Cartier-Bresson or Steve McCurry. The only problem is that America is lazy and we find one thing that will make us seem like we are doing more than we actually are. This is where Instagram comes into play. It is the single, easiest way for someone to claim that they are artsy. It is the preferred app for hippies and unoriginal photographers of the 21st century and I am sick of it.

Why are the people that abuse Instagram not being called out? There is a simple, yet increasingly large difference between artistic vision and the use of Instagram. We are in a stage where everyone who uses Instagram truly thinks that every picture they take can be made better by increasing the amount of purple, yellow, and brown.

When did 1973 come back?

Honestly, I could care less about your breakfast this morning. I know what Special K looks like and it isn’t what you posted on your Facebook wall.

Why can’t we all just embrace the beautiful quality that HD cameras have afforded us? Have we really become that bored with what is around us?

What we have encountered is an age where art has become stale. We need a new Jackson Pollack or Pablo Picasso. All of these wannabe artists are saturating the digital world while real artistic talent is being thrown aside.

Let me clarify though, there is a place for Instagram in this world (About $1 billion worth). It just needs to be used in moderation. I want to make it clear that I am not an artist and will never claim to be. Everyone who plays Draw Something with me can vouch for that. I am standing up for artistic integrity.

Art is not easy. You must train for a long time in order to blossom into a true, professional artist. Isntagram will not do that. It only will give people that assumption that they are now something that they are not. Just because you add a filter to your iPhone (and recently Android) does not make you an artist. It makes you the opposite of an artist. We are past the time when true art is looked at as precious. Photographers work has been watered down by hipster people that assume that vintage is cool.

Vintage can be cool. As I stated before, I love vintage. I wish I could live my life in a smoky jazz lounge while some beautiful woman in a skin tight red dress sings “Fever” until the room becomes hypnotized by her seductive voice. Knowing that, I have never once looked at an Instagram picture and said, “Yeah, that’s what I want my life to be.”

Again, I hate to harp on this point, but it needs to be said. Instagram users need to chill out with the pictures. It is okay to post an “artsy” photo every once in awhile, but I really could care less about how your dog would have looked if his fur was washed out and your lawn was an unnatural, hybrid shade of green-brown-yellow-purple. Your coffee isn’t more awesome if you show the world how it would have looked if it were taken with a polaroid in 1984.

The worst part of all this is that we are making things that are beautiful into things that have been damaged beyond repair. You look back at those times that have been and think, man I wish I could see what they hell is going on in this picture. What happened to pictures being washed out because they are just plain old? In 20 years, are you going to look back at your pictures and say, “Man, those were the days” or will you simply say, “Man, I wish I had better pictures?”

Go look through your old pictures now. Part of the fact that they are old make them what they are. They bring back memories that had long been forgotten. That picture of your family at the Grand Canyon from 20 years ago. That random picture that you took at Disneyworld before Pixar took over and everything you watched was hand drawn. These are a thing of the past. by making pictures look old right off the bat, we are ruining the effect. Pictures look washed out when they get old, not when they are brand new.

We are killing memories right now. Memories that will be looked back on with shame. Im sure you think it is all cool now, but once you get older you will want to recall a moment and because of Instagram, you won’t have that same feel. The feel of warmth in your body, seeing a family that you have long since forgotten or a place that used to your favorite vacation destination.

Not only are we ruining the integrity of artists and photographers of our time, we are stifling creativity. I would rather have people pirating photoshop and being original before using Instagram.

You are not original.

You are not special and neither are your pictures.

Take off the camera filter and take good, HD quality pictures before it is too late. You only have one chance to capture original moments. That original, digital copy can be manipulated one hundred times in the future. Why dismiss the beauty and realism of High Definition photography right off the bat? Make sure you save a good copy before you go screw it up with programs like Instagram.

Having that app doesn’t make you an art student or professional photographer. It makes you annoying and unoriginal.

I am afraid that the new aquisition of Instagram by Facebook will make it easier for people to completely ruin beautiful photography for years to come. And we have one person to thank:

The Harbinger of Death to all photography

Thing 3: Gas isn’t cheap, or so I’ve heard

We are in a world where a loaf of bread will never cost a nickel, milk won’t be delivered to your doorstep, and Tupac won’t be coming back anytime soon. You will find a larger number of people are constantly asking “What happened to the good ol’ days?”

These people clearly haven’t used an iPad yet.

Take this "ol' days"!

We need to realize that the best days are yet to come. Why do we always worry about the days that have passed when all that it is going to do is hang you up there? Recently, the big thing that people have deemed the beginning of the apocalypse is the rising gas prices. I don’t know if you have had a conversation recently that has not included someone commenting on high gas prices.

The problem here is that we have a lot of people complaining just to complain. I already know some people might say, “But your blog is mostly just complaining about stuff? And its daily too!”


When it comes to these gas prices we need to understand one thing as a society, they aren’t going to be going down anytime soon. The worst thing for some people is that there is nothing that we can do about it. They are right. We are going to continue to take these gas prices in stride and hopefully we can find a way to pay for the rising costs of gas prices.

There have been all kinds of ways that people have been trying to get around paying for more gas than they need to. Some people have decided to carpool, some have used more public transportation, and some have devised crackpot schemes that Wile E. Coyote would consider insane. My personal favorite is the “Don’t buy gas days”. I am no economist but I really feel that this plan has some major flaws.

If you aren’t up to date on this process, people take one day (or certain, predetermined time period) and tell people that they shouldn’t buy gas and the price will drop to something like $2 a gallon. Screw these people. First off, do they understand the kind of global scale this would have to take place on in order for something like that to happen, and that doesn’t even make it a sure thing. Also, once people buy the gas the next day the price will just go back to being the same. Do we all really think that a viral Facebook jpeg will trick these oil executives? They are so important that they probably don’t even have a Facebook. Maybe you should take your tactics to LinkedIn to get their attention.

I don’t see how moving your gasoline purchase back a day will bring down prices that drastically. Yes, there will be more oil, but then it will be used up faster right after that. You really think that gas prices are changed that much due to a day off? In theory, based on supply and demand, it would work. More supply, lower prices. I get that. But do you really think that ONE day will cause that much change? No, it won’t.

For everyone that thinks that this crackpot scheme will lower gas prices, how about you try something else. Maybe take public transportation. How about you save that gas that you would personally use and pool it so everyone will have more since you aren’t filling up your personal vehicle. If you are really in it for the greater good you wouldn’t have an issue doing this.

Oh…you won’t do that?

Then shut up.

This is the problem with people complaining about rising gas prices. The people who are advocates for stupid “get rich quick” gas schemes go buy a Hummer and then go try to act like its the rest of the worlds fault for not following the simple rules you posted on Facebook. How about you trade the SUV in for a Chevy Volt or other hybrid vehicle?

...or Rickshaw

Basically, all this comes down to is a lot of people complaining and not doing anything to make it better. Go ahead and blame Obama or Exxon or whoever your hillbilly cousin told you was responsible for your problems with gas prices. It’s a lot easier and you know that if there is one thing Americans can do better than anyone, it’s bitch and complain then put the burden on someone else to make it better.

Thing 2: Kris Humphries: American Hero

Due to the NCAA Championship tonight, I figured it would be fitting to have a post basketball related. This post is about someone who is bigger and better than most of us will ever claim to be.

He goes by the name of Kris Humphries: American Hero

Screw You Zimmerman

This man has stood up, where most of us have sat down…in front of the TV.

This man is the first to tell Kim Kardashian that she is full of shit. Can we get this man a medal? There has to be a prize worthy enough to fully acknowledge this man for the progress that he is trying to make. I would say Nobel Peace Prize, but Kris Humphries isn’t a pussy; that and he is clearly not intelligent enough to get one of those awards.

Recently Mr. Kris Sir His Omnipotent Lordship Humphries told Kim Kardashian that he isn’t going to sign any papers before she admits that the wedding between them was a complete scam. He also wants to know how much she made while they were married. You never know, it could have a been a good month or two financially. I heard that she had some show on TV or something.

Why does it take Kris Humphries to get America to realize that Kim Kardashian is a hack. Here are a list of talents that Kim Kardashian has:

  1. Fat Ass
  2. Big Boobs
  3. Sex Tape
  4. Tits
  5. Sex Tape
  6. Fat Ass
  7. Tits
  8. Business owner?

Did I miss anything?

Before you all go off and think, number 8 seems fishy, let me explain. I put business owner in the loosest interpretation possible. For someone who is always on vacation, shooting an ad, and capitalizing on other assets (see numbers 1-7) that leaves very little time to run a very successful, multi-product line company. Let’s be real and tell Mary Kay to stop slapping DASH labels on top of their products and charging 5x as much.

Why do we watch this person again? Are we really that bored? Is this who we all want to be like?

We need to get our standards back up in this country. There needs to be a revolution, and it needs to be started by The Last True American Hero Kris Humphries and his sidekick, Jon”Kardashians Are Stupid” Hamm. Lets finally show the world why Kim Kardashian needs to be released from her television contract and the lives of young women across the country. Let us finish what Kris Humphries started as a young child growing up in Minneapolis. By using his pro athlete status, he let us into the fake world that Kim Kardashian has crafted in front of us. He saw past those massive breasts and fat ass (But he made sure to get his beforehand, he is a man of opportunity. Blame him?)  Let us rid ourselves of mindless, talentless bullshit like Kim Kardashian.

What do you think about that young Kris Humphries?

"Ho shoulda known"

Let us all remember his sacrifice. From humble origins, he became the one we know today. Kris Humphries: American Hero

Thing 1: Smoking Fools

It’s April Fool’s Day. Is there a more perfect time to start writing, blogging, and overall internet-ing about how foolish we can be? Today is also another milestone in the world of nonsense. Make sure to mark your calendars and make sure you know where you were when Evansville took away the rights of the small business.

For any of you living in Evansville, IN, you are probably aware that the most recent declaration by the city council was to ban smoking in every building in the city. Ok, so you are trying to make this a healthier place to live. Trying to go with the forever widening belief that smoking should be banned from public consumption. You are aware enough to realize that secondhand smoke not only compromises the patrons on local establishments, but the employees as well.


You are in favor of healthier workplaces; those who don’t smoke don’t need to be involuntarily subjected to the harsh reality that secondhand smoke kills.


You support the fact the everyone should have the same opportunity to live a healthy lifestyle, no matter what establishments they attend.


You stand for so much when it comes to making this place healthier and keeping our citizens around longer and longer. We should all go celebrate at the Casino! Nothing says fun like gambling and drinking, plus, now that this smoking ban is in effect, we can all breath a little bit easier!

Son of a...

Casino Aztar is exempt from the smoking ban?!

Remember all that stuff I said loving patrons health, keeping employees safe, and helping the community live longer? Well I lied.

Let me revise the views of the government here in the great city of Evansville, IN:


Everyone who thinks this smoking ban is a good thing, lets put it into perspective. The people that passed it, clearly, don’t give two shits about employee’s health, or yours for that matter. Your health is second only to money.

We’ve been duped!!!

Can we see now why small businesses are all fighting this ridiculous law? It only makes sense for them to fight and I truly hope that they win this battle and gain exemption.

The other thing that really upsets me about this ban are the people that are advocating for it. We have all heard the facts on cigarette smoke. It kills. We get that. Do you really think that people who smoke don’t know that? Would the world be a better place if no one smoked and everything was super healthy? Yes. Would anyone deny that? No.

Here are the main stances that I hear people take:

“I want out with my friends, but I don’t want to smell like smoke after leaving the bars”

Okay. I get that. It smells. But at the same time, there are so many places that don’t allow smoke so why must you go to the ones that do? If your friends can’t respect that enough to change venues then they probably weren’t that good of friends to begin with. Here is another thing that you can do: shut up and go find something else to do. I know it sounds harsh. But if your friends want to go to an all fried chicken buffet and you are a vegetarian you wouldn’t go. It is not a place that is suited for you. Since you aren’t a fan of smoking, DON’T GO TO THAT PLACE! It is clearly not for you. Go find something else to do, or better yet, go to a bar that bans smoking. There are plenty around.

 “But, what about the kids?! Their health and ours is being hurt without our consent! We didn’t ask to inhale smoke all night!”

Sure, i get this one. Smoking is invasive. People who are in the area are going to get a heavy dose of secondhand smoke. This is what happens in a smoky area. My rule: If there are kids who can come to your establishment, then the smoking ban is legitimate since they can do nothing about it. You got me. When it comes to the adults, shame on you for being stupid. To get into a bar you have to be at least 21 years of age or older. By this time, you have had 3 years of experience in being an adult and should know how to make basic adult decisions. Your smoke-inhaling waiver was signed when you flashed your ID and walked in those doors. You know the dangers involved in going into a smoky bar, so by entering, you have acknowledged that smoke is here and it will be there all night. So don’t complain about it. Let’s look at it this way, I have an allergy to animals. They make me sneeze and get itchy eyes and an itchy throat. When I go to someone’s house that has an animal, do you expect me to bitch and complain that there is an animal there? NO! Because I knew that was there to begin with, and if I didn’t, the adult in me would remove myself from the situation or suffer through it. It is, in essence, the same thing.

But I digress, if you have stuck it out this long, I commend you. This was was a little long winded, but I hope you all got the crux of the argument and see how ridiculous this whole situation is. When did we decide that we need to be babied? As adults, it is our obligation to make our own decisions. If a place allows smoking and you don’t want to be around it, don’t go there. If a business wants to allow their patrons to smoke, which is a completely legal thing to do, then let them do it. If it really something that will be detrimental to their business, that business will have to suffer or change. But let that be their decision. We have this society that expects everything to be suited to their every need and desire. We have been babied so much that we don’t understand that ability to just walk away from things we don’t like or approve of. When did this become something that was ok?

My final point:

Be adults people. If you know that a place allows something you don’t like, don’t go there and complain. Just stay away and let the people who do like it there enjoy their time. There are other options for fun in this town. Seek them out, don’t complain that everything isn’t suited just for you. You are an adult, you should know better by now.